It is What It Is; We Do What We Do

Some of you may have noticed I'm a little more distracted than usual. As you know, I' m fond of quoting John Lennon's "life is what happens while you're making other plans". Well, we've had a lot of life happening recently.

In February, my mother-in-law celebrated her 90th birthday with a big party with lots of family and friends. At the time she said she couldn't believe she'd made it to her 90th birthday and that it was the happiest day of her life. Unfortunately things started going downhill faster after that. She had a brief hospital stay in early March and then re-entered the hospital on March 18. Testing showed she had suffered several small strokes. After 1-1/2 weeks in Englewood Hospital, she was at Kessler Rehab in Saddle Brook for about one week, followed by a week at the Columbia Presbyterian stroke unit. She has now been at the Jewish Home in Rockleigh for over six weeks. For the past two weeks, she has been officially on hospice care. Intellectually I know and understand each step we are going through. Emotionally, however, each step comes as a shock and emotional landmine.

What has been the bright spot in all of this? The care and support from my friends. I tend to be a fairly private person -- a few close friends know what's going on in my life, but I don't usually tell everyone. Writing this blog -- revealing all -- is major for me. What I've discovered is that I'm not alone on this journey. Several of my friends are going through similar experiences so we are able to share information and hugs. One friend was very grateful that I told him about my mother-in-law as he was then able to tell me about his father's ongoing health issues.

So we continue to take things one day at a time. I'm hesitant to make too many plans. I actually RSVP'd to an event with the comment "I'll be there as long as life (or death) doesn't get in the way." (Our hospice social worker has assured me that without humor we'd go crazy.) And we continue to say "it is what it is and we do what we do".

ADDENDA: On Sunday, May 27, at around 2:15 am, Shirley S. Passow left us. We are both sad and relieved. She is now at peace and back with her beloved husband Harry. Farewell to a "woman of valor".

My Three Words for 2012

It's 2012 -- an interesting year in many ways. It's a Leap Year, so we get one more day of February. For the Asian Lunar Year, this is the Year of the Dragon. And it's my second year of non-resolutions but rather choosing three words to guide me.

I suppose I should start by reviewing how last year's words worked. Last year I chose Caring, Integrity, and Joy. Although I didn't always think about the words, in looking back I can say I did reasonably well. I did cut back on my snarkiness, I did take time for happy things. I wasn't so good about getting myself back in shape -- talked about it a lot but wasn't as active as I'd hoped.

This year's words are related to last year's: Focus, Patience, and Gratitude. They actually build on last year by getting more specific as to what needs to be done.

Focus: this has two parts. First, finish things without getting distracted (oh, look, a new shiny thing!) But more importantly, figure out what is really important and only do those things. This leads back to an earlier blog on the importance of not only knowing when to say no but also when to say yes. Of course we can do everything, but should we? So I will be cutting back this year on some of my activities and really focusing on what I want and need to do.

Patience: this is an outgrowth of last year's Caring. Recognize that people are who they are and accept them. Not everyone does things the same way, that's okay.Don't waste energy on things that aren't important. I'm getting better at this. It goes along with "less snark" and "don't rush to judgment". Sometimes you just have to accept things the way they are.

Gratitude: I have learned a lot from my Rabbi this past year. Recently, she finished a CD called "Gratitude". One of the topics covered is complaining. She points out the greatest antidote to complaining is gratitude. And, most importantly, studies have shown that gratitude leads directly to happiness. She added that happy people aren't always grateful, but grateful people are always happy. (And I will be writing more on this topic.)

Snow in October -- A View from the Trenches

 Driving around Bergen County these days makes me think the Knights who say "Ni" have been around demanding shrubberies. When you look more closely, you realize the shrubs at the edges of people's lawns are actually piles of branches and leaves, broken by this past week's snowstorm, fondly known on Twitter as "Snowtober".

For about a week, I complained every time I saw the upcoming weather forecast. "What do you mean, rain/snow on Saturday?" Little did I know just how bad it would be. As most of you know by now, the rain turned to snow much sooner than expected. And it was a heavy, wet snow. And the trees were still covered with leaves. And that was bad.

Around 2:00 pm on Saturday, as I worked on the computer, blink, blink . . . no power. And it stayed that way until 7:00 am on Wednesday. The house got very cold (around 45F).The good news is that it kept the refrigerator and freezer cold (helped by the ice packs I pulled out of the freezer and distributed and supplemented by Ziploc bags of snow added to the fridge on Tuesday). We were lucky -- we could light the gas burners on our stove using matches (but not our oven). We had hot water (although the thought of stepping out of the shower with wet hair into the cold bathroom was more than I could deal with). And we had lanterns and lots of sweatshirts, fleeces, quilts, etc. So we managed.

I kept my smartphone charged by driving around with it, charging it from my laptop, and asking restaurants where I went for lunch or dinner if they had a spare outlet. By Tuesday, Fairleigh Dickinson University (where I teach Tuesday afternoons) had their power back and I taught my class. This gave me the opportunity to warm up and completely charge my laptop and phone. I also got to reassure my students that it was okay they hadn't completed their homework -- I couldn't have printed it out even if they had sent it.To quote the provost at FDU, "it has certainly been an interesting semester so far. The October snowstorm is just the latest surprise" (we already had a delayed opening due to Hurricane Irene).

Our poor cat, Charley, could not understand what was going on. He was cold (at night he snuggled up with us in bed, though he wouldn't come under the quilt). And he couldn't figure out the lanterns. Once all the lights in the house were out it was bedtime and we were supposed to be asleep, so he could come into bed with us. But instead, much to his annoyance, we were sitting up and reading.

We were lucky -- it was never as bad as Alabama after the tornadoes, it was never as bad as Turkey, after the recent earthquake. Of course PSEG could have been more communicative. Their website said the very latest news was available on their special twitter account which, until sometime later on Sunday, hadn't posted a tweet since September 21. It was very heartening to see all of the non-PSEG repair trucks in the area.

I can't help but wonder if the snow was a result of what was in the Sunday papers. Both Toy'R'Us and Kmart had their toy catalogs in the Sunday, October 30 paper -- not only was it before Thanksgiving it was before Halloween! Target was just a week behind, theirs was in the Sunday, November 6 paper. No more tempting Mother Nature -- keep the holidays and seasons where they belong!

So, Is a Little Evil Okay?

This was the year I chose three words to follow -- caring, integrity, and joy. So how have I been doing? Well . . .

I blew it -- and I got caught. Last week Ike Pigott posted on Twitter: "So much for Google's "Don't Be Evil" mantra (Google deals dirty with PayPal)", referring to PayPal suing Google over Google's new mobile payment system. And, being in a snarky mood, I posted back "PayPal (& eBay) have done so much evil in the past (& still do), I don't care if Google deals dirty with them." To which Ike responded "Are you really saying it's okay to engage in unethical behavior because of who you're sticking it to?"

Oops -- no, of course that's not what I meant [and I did respond "I suppose when you put it that way, no. If good, you should always take the high road (even if I hate PayPal)"]. The end does not justify the means. Being a little bit evil is like being a little bit pregnant. You can't pick and choose when it's okay to be evil or when you should be ethical.

This leads to the next question. Does posting something on Twitter really matter that much? Yes, it does. If I'm supposed to be standing for something (integrity), then that means that I need to stand for it all the time. If it's a part of me, then it has to be a part of me all the time. And just because I want to sound "cute" on Twitter and "play" with the big boys, is no excuse. Nor is, but I really like Google and don't want to think of them as being evil.

So, Ike, thanks for catching me out. I'll try to do better.

It’s Not Just When to Say No, but When to Say Yes

Do you suffer from Bottom syndrome? No – this isn’t another call to hit the gym. To understand this condition, you need to read William Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”.

As a diversion within Shakespeare’s play, a small group of laborers are going to perform their own play, the story of Pyramus and Thisbe. Peter Quince, the director, is reading off each man’s role. Although Nick Bottom is the first to receive his assignment, each time Quince lists a new character Bottom eagerly volunteers to take that role, reciting all the reasons why he can do it.

Does this sound familiar? How often do you do this? Sitting in a committee meeting, volunteers are needed. Or your client asks for a whole laundry list of items. Or someone in your family needs some help. And your response is “Oh, I can do that! I can do that! I can do that!” Suddenly you’ve volunteered for all sorts of projects and are overwhelmed.

Just as Quince explained to Bottom, “You can play no part but Pyramus”, we must decide what parts we should play. We’ve heard many times that we need to learn to say “No”. But we also need to decide what to say “Yes” to. Your list can be prioritized by:

    1.) What you do best;
    2.) What you enjoy doing; and
    3.) What you have the time to do.

What is it you do best? This needs to be your focus. Sure you can do a variety of things (we are women – born to multi-task!), but they only distract you from your main role. And there are probably other people who can do those other things as well or better than you can. So let them! Now add the things you enjoy doing. Whether it’s work or relaxation, we give our best effort to the things we like to do.

And most importantly, don’t take on more than you have time for.  You will stress yourself out. Sometimes you may even have to temporarily give up something you enjoy doing if the stress of trying to fit it into your schedule overwhelms the pleasure you would have gotten from it.

Poor Bottom, after trying to take on everyone else’s responsibilities (and annoying them all in the process), he is turned into an ass by Puck, the Fairy King’s assistant. Definitely a lesson to us all! Remember to nurture yourself and your business. Take time to plan and prioritize. Don’t emulate Bottom, but rather learn your limits, where to put your time and effort, and when to say yes.